Saturday, June 19, 2010
I'm back after 5 days in Bathurst and I think I must have discovered the inner country girl in me! I loved it so much and I'm rather sad that I'm back in the city actually. It was only 5 days but I believe they must have been the most fruitful 5 days I've had all year.
My 5 days working at the pharmacy there has taught me so incredibly much! I had the opportunity to dispense heaps and heaps of medication from all different types of scripts. I was so confused at first and so worried about making mistakes (because they're so easy to make especially when you're trying to do them fast!) but the pharmacists there were so encouraging and so willing to teach. 1 of the pharmacists is a graduate/intern and the other 2 are in their first year of being registered. It was so exciting to think that they were only a couple of years ahead of me but it also freaked me out when I realised I still have so much to learn in the next year and a half. I managed to see some patients with interesting cases and I was reminded once again of just how terrible it is to be sick. When you're in a lecture theatre learning about illness every single day it's so easy to feel so detached from the reality of these illnesses but when these patients are right in front of you, it all becomes so real. I miss Bathurst...I've been encouraged to think about doing my graduate/intern year there, I guess haven't thought too seriously about it yet but that will definitely be something I shall keep at the back of my mind.
The feeling of loneliness did not hit me once in my 5 days there. What I loved about being by myself in the country was just being able to hear God with no distractions. I knew even the first night I was there that God had brought be there for a reason and now that it's over, I'm certain that God wanted me there for a reason. At the beginning of the year I had prayed that this year I'd grow up and that I wanted this year to be just me and God; to find my identity and joy in Him and Him alone. It was like God brought me to Bathurst to answer that prayer. God gave me this image of a baby bird preparing to fly. It's like I'm that baby bird just about to fly and God is just prepping me for the flight.
5 days there and it was almost like a life test. I realised I could look after myself, I realised I knew how to survive on my own. Everything I had learnt about cooking, cleaning..life skills in general, I had to use it and I discovered that I'm more capable and independant than I thought. I feel like I had known all these 'lifeskills' and had never HAD to use them to look after myself because there was never a need when I was constantly surrounded by people but this was my opportunity to see just how much I knew..and I loved it. I loved living on my own.
Being in the country was like a life detoxification. I was away from all my family and friends, away from the craziness of being in the city and all the drama it brings, away from internet and left with just God and myself. Being there made me realised how out of control my life was back at home. I realised just how many distractions I allow to get a hold of me, how much rubbish fills my life, and how complicated I had made my life become. In the country, with absolutely none of those things, it was like I was in constant fellowship with God and nothing made me feel more satisfied or fulfilled. God refreshed me so much, I feel completely renewed. I've tasted and I want more. It was only 5 days but I feel like I've come back brand new.
posted @ 2:59 AM
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Saturday, June 12, 2010
So many assumptions, so much misunderstanding, so much gossip...the trust disappears, the disunity creeps in and the church starts to crumble.
Growing up I had seen the ugly side of church, I had seen the side that not many people, especially as a child get to see. It's different though when you find yourself caught right in the middle of it. I'd like to think I've grown for the better in many areas of my life over the past couple of years but after so much that has happened/is happening it's so tempting at times to just dig a hole and hide from the world. Despite what I had seen/experienced as a child, I learned to love the church regardless of its flaws. Church became home, it became my support through the toughest of times and provided such an important foundation for my life. This year I think that foundation has really been rocked..
I'm struggling to trust, I'm struggling to be real, I'm struggling to be open these days. I'm beginning to see how easy it is for our hearts to become hardened. I hate feeling like every eye is on me and I fear even more what goes through their minds behind those stares.
God has been challenging me more than ever this season to love my brothers and sisters in Christ; the same people who have formed an image of Pris in their head which is based on preconceived ideas. It's so hard when the trust isn't there. It's so hard when I don't know how to connect with people anymore. God I need you to show me. What's even scarier is that I'd say the majority of people are feeling the same way I feel. Spiritual warfare is real.
God, help keep our eyes fixed on You; the author and perfecter of our faith..
posted @ 4:41 AM
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Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Let it Go- Tenth Avenue North
I've been holding on so tight
Look at these knuckles
They've gone white
I'm fighting for who I wanna be
I'm just trying to find security
But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go.
Well it's hard enough to hear
Harder still, to move beyond this fear
We know there's nothing I can bring,
So tell me what do you want from me?
But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go
What do I love?
What do I hate?
What will I lose?
What will I gain?
How do I save my soul?
What if I bend?
What if I break?
What will it cost?
What will it take?
For you to save my soul.
You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go
I love it when God gives me a fresh reminder that truly there is nothing else on Earth that satisfies the way He does. It's when I get to the point where I think I've seen it all and I start wondering why it's still not enough that God draws me back to Himself, asks me "do you trust me?" and then assures me that He has something even better out there in store for me. He tells me not to search for it because I don't even know what I'm looking for. That's grace right there.
I'm giving up my fight, I'm giving up the desires I've been holding on so tightly to, I'm giving my struggles in trying to search for the right path on my own. If God tells me that He is everything I need then it has to be true. I'm finding nothing else satisfies. The world will tell me that's when I should start feeling insecure but really, the deep, genuine sense security comes when I realise that I am found in Jesus, my Lord and all the things of this world may fail me but I belong to the Lord or Lords.
posted @ 6:06 PM
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Sunday, June 6, 2010
There's something so beautiful about being in the presence of God and never needing to leave it because He live in me. There's something so beautiful about singing out the name of Jesus when life seems otherwise chaotic.
Worshiping our Saviour is the best remedy. I've lost count of the number of times I've just wanted to escape from myself. The number of times I've stuffed things up so bad that I wish I could wake up and realise that it was all a bad dream. In worshipping God I acknowledge how human I am, how full of flaws I am. In worship, we lay down our pride, we take off our 'royal robes' and declare that God is King over our lives. (2 Samuel 6)
I've been pondering on the power of worship in spiritual warfare both in our personal lives and as a corporate body of believers. The Church is constantly under attack from the enemy. The devil is constantly trying to pull apart the Body. There is something so significant, so profound, so powerful about a body of believers worshipping in the midst of spiritual warfare and in doing so, declaring the victory that God has already won for us and sending out such a strong message to the enemy. As a worship leader leading a body of believers into worship places you in the front line of the army.
In my own personal life I've found that singing out His praises in my darkest hour has been the moments where it seemed like God was reaching down in that very moment and being my shield from the flaming arrows of the enemy and this world. I have victory in Christ Jesus and if God is for us then who can be against us?
There's something so beautiful about being lost in the presence of God...That's where I'm at now.
posted @ 4:43 AM
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Monday, May 31, 2010
I cannot believe I haven't blogged in a year and a half!! I pretty much forgot about my blog until recently and for some odd reason I have the itch to blog again. I don't think anyone is going to read it which is awesome because I'm not really blogging for people to read anyway. It's just going to be a boring..very text based blog that allows me to rant.
I look at my last post back in November 2008 and SO MUCH has happened since then it's crazy. Back then I would never have imagined what the next year and a half could possibly bring me. It's been a year and a half of really great times that I want to hold onto forever and really horrible times that I just want to leave behind me and never have to think about again. I guess with the beginning of blogging again, it can mark yet another chapter in my life. This post will just be a quick summary of how things are and I'll go into detail about certain areas later down the track.
On one hand it's kind of sad that I haven't blogged throughout the past year and a half but there's a part of me that is so thankful I didn't because there's a large chunk that I'd rather had never happened and don't need to be reminded about.
So where am I at now? I'm certainly a different person to the Pris a year and a half ago. Different for the better in some areas, and different for the worse in other areas.
My walk with God looks so different now, my view of God has changed and more and more I've come to find the realness of Him in my life. One and a half years later and I am so much more assured of who I am in God. I am not defined by the ministries in which I serve, I am not defined by the people who are in my life...however both are still extremely important to me. As my walk with God deepens, I have also become more aware of the reality of spiritual warfare. Everyday is a battle. Everyday there's a devil who wants to pull you away from your connection with God. Everyday you battle against your own mind and flesh. However, there's a God who has already fought my battles and won the victory for me. I guess one thing God has really been challenging me on recently is do I really know what it is to claim victory in Christ and what would life look like if I did? (maybe I'll go on about it in another post).
In terms of ministry, I've come such a long way. I'm more certain now that my calling is worship than I was a year and a half ago. I'm now looking after the worship ministry of Blue Sky, leading worship in WIC and leading worship at Kingdom Kids. I've grown so much in my understanding the role and importance of corporate worship and worshipping God through singing, mainly through the opportunites I've been given to serve and through revelations that God has been giving me along the way. Ministry is a challenge. I think I'm beginning to see how challenging ministry is this season in a way I haven't noticed before (for another post). I'm just starting to head the worship ministry in Blue Sky now and I'm stil totally freaking out about it because I feel so inadequate but at the same time I'm really excited because I know God is going to teach me so much during this time. God has placed a massive vision on my heart and it's a vision that many other people have been receiving for the year and I am so excited to see it unfold. I'll share my vision in another post but to sum it up: it is so see Blue Sky celebrating the freedom that they have in Christ, worshipping our God in Spirit and in Truth. HUGE vision but I believe God is really shaking Blue Sky at the moment and calling us to holiness, obedience and true spirirtual worship.
With my course, I'm absolutely loving pharmacy at the moment (and that's saying something if i can say I love my course even though i have exams in half a week). I'm excited yet absolutely terrified about the next couple of years. I think I've come to accept that this is all up to God now in terms of where He wants me and I have no control over it anymore. Whether it is in hospital, community, a rural or urban setting that God wants me...He has closed and opened doors in all of those areas this year and I'm learning that I have to hold it all with an open happen knowing that I believe in a God who gives and takes away because He knows me, loves me and just wants the best for me. I'll be starting work soon at a new pharmacy and I'm really looking forward to it because I'll finally get to use what I've learnt in uni to earn some money and develop my knowledge and skills =)
In terms of relationships, I think that area has brought with it joy at times yet so much grief and hurt at other times in this past year and a half. I hate how my life turned into such a drama, I've hated it so much and I guess you could say I'm completely exhausted. I feel like I've slowly been able to close the chapter after a year and a half and start a new one. Yep, I'm being optimistic and saying this is a new chapter in terms of relationships. I have no idea what the content of this chapter is going to be but all I know is that I want to do it God's way and no other way. I want to hear from God and let His voice be the one that guides me. He is slowly showing me one baby step at a time. I'm more commitment phobic than ever but I think God is in the process of slowly changing that. I'm trusting God with this and I'm trusting that He will make the way. God please take away the fear in me. The past few months I've felt like I've been living according to the expectations of others, living according to what others thinks is best and being so conscious of what others may think of me. It reached a point where I completely lost sight of God. I completely lost sight of why I had chosen to walk the path I was walking...was it to please man or to please God? It was definitely the former. I can't say I've completely broken out of the struggle but I felt rather convicted last night. We had leader's prayer meeting and during that time God spoke to so many people about listening and obeying His voice rather than the voice of man. I was so shocked because it was so timely for me. I've taken a deep breath, taken a step back and my eyes have fixed themselves back on God. I still feel like I'm living my life trying to please people at times but I think I've progressed from where I was a couple of weeks ago and realised that I just need to walk according to how God leads me. It's not about pleasing people at the end of the day. It's getting easier and it's so much nicer to be at a place where you can hear His voice and see His hand at work in your life. Maybe I am just being optimistic but I've feel like God has released me from the last chapter of my life that was holding me down so much.
Okay..I'm done for now. Time to go back to study. I shall post during another procrastination session =)
posted @ 10:53 PM
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Wednesday, November 19, 2008
It was our lifegroup outing yesterday and despite a couple of ppl's reluctance we eventually managed to convince everyone to go karaoke (which would be my 2nd time in like 2 months or something).
You know, you can learn a lesson or two from everything you do. I learnt yesterday just how careful i have to be with the music I listen to and the type of stuff I sing. It's sad how we can become so desenstised to what we hear on the radio. I rarely listen to rnb and hip hop stuff except for when I'm in the car and the radio is on but I have to admit like..a lot of the times when it comes to this kinda stuff I just sing along without realising what I'm actually singing. In fact a lot of the times I can't even understand what they're singing and although being naive can be good it can also be equally bad.
So many times yesterday at karaoke we would be singing a song and then half way through we'd stop and realise.."wait a minute...this is sin..." It's true though..I think a lot of the time we sing along to a song because it's catchy without actually realising what we're singing. For example Usher: Love in this club...I've heard it on the radio many times before but yesterday would have probably been the first time I realised just how bad the lyrics were. That song is like the definition of sin. At least we sang Dare you to move (which was like the only Switchfoot song they had) which was nice and clean...a good change really.
posted @ 4:09 PM
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Saturday, November 15, 2008
Wow...don't think I have blogged since I moved house which was like..2 weeks ago? It has been a crazy couple of weeks trying to move and study at the same time and i've had all my exams in the past week which raised my stress levels just a bit =)
So anyway...in the next few days I will do a post which gives you a virtual tour of my house..mainly for Melbourne people coz all you Sydney people can just come visit anytime you like =) We are still in the process of unpacking so there are still boxes scattered around and a couple of the rooms are currently being used for storage at the moment but that will change in the next few weeks once we've found a place for everything. No..my house is not a mansion (it's no where near one) as you will soon see but to me this house is so much more than I need. I have never lived in a new house before and we have always gotten by with just second hand furniture where nothing really matches but you know...I still called it home. And now...everything is new. It looks new, it smells new, it feels new. It's strange because it's not something I am used to. To be honest...there have been times in the past couple of weeks where I have felt like a spoilt brat and I seriously hope i never go down that path. I am so thankful that God has blessed our family in so many ways. My dad is just a pastor...and you know your dad is a pastor when you have spent the whole morning unpacking boxes and boxes of bibles (of all versions u can think of), multiple bible commentaries of nearly every book of the bible, theological dictionaries, multiple books on church history and pretty much every book you can find in koorong!... my mum just does a whole lot of odd jobs but my parents have never worried about finances. They worked hard and had faith that God will provide. It's one of the many lessons I have learnt through them that will stick with me for life. It's hard to build a house and buy furniture without being materialistic. It's hard to not automatically go for the pricey stuff that looks reeeallyy nice even though you know it's not necessary.
Anyways...photos will be coming up soon =) Can't believe I'll be going away in 3 weeks arghhh! but there's so much to do before then. Should be fun though.Anyway..i think i need sleep. It's going to be one longg day tomorrow =)
posted @ 3:37 AM
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