Monday, October 27, 2008

(hrmm..This is probably going to be one of the most personal posts I have done)
So it's that time of the year again. The time of the year that everybody dreads- exam period. So there's this saying at Sydney uni that goes something like..."if you havent started studying by the time the jacaranda tree has blossomed then it's too late" The jacaranda tree is in full bloom now and it stresses me out when ever i have to walk past it. I think i'm on track however...so if everything goes to plan it SHOULD be all good. It's difficult to concentrate on studying when you know you have the whole of next week to study.

I have to say though...I'm not complaining about first year exams. It's middle of HSC here in sydney and VCE exams are about to start in a couple of days and it's hard to believe that was me just a year ago. I think my nerd factor has decreased quite significantly since then. I remember exactly one year ago I was full on stressing about english..I think I went into panic mode. I can't tell you how happy I feel knowing I'll never have to do a 3 hour english exam ever again.

It's hard to believe that in one year so many things can change. 12 months ago I was so uncertain about 2008. I remember thinking about it a lot... I knew 2008 would be a year of change but never did I think change would be so great, never did I think change would be the one thing I needed to turn my life around.

I arrived in sydney on Feb 14th (yep, I remember coz it was Valentines day) not knowing what God wanted from me and not knowing very many people at all. All i knew was that I was drowning in a lot of regret, I was hanging onto my past and nothing I or others did would make me let go...I needed to be away from Melbourne. You hear people say that you shouldn't run away from your problems, you should face them. I don't believe I was running away from my problems. I had faced them time and time again and all it ever did was make things worse. Sometimes the best way to deal with your problems is to distance yourself so you're not constantly reminded.

When I reflect on the months following that, I realise that for once in a very long time, life hasn't been a rollercoaster. It started off being absolutely terrible but since April it has only got better and better. I think I have found Pris again. People here have only seen this version of me (i'd like to think this is the true me)...the extremely happy me that can smile and laugh at the world. This was Pris 3 years ago and this is Pris now and I hope it stays this way. The person I was in between these years...I barely recognise.

So you ask...what is it about this year that has made it so good? When I think about it...it all goes back to God. He has open doors for me that I would have never ever imagined him opening, He has opened my eyes to soo many possibilities. He has led me to a church that I have come to love so much. After being comfortable at a small church for sooo many years..one where I knew everybody and everybody knew me...going to a new church was hard but when I think about it ....it's probably one of the best things that have happened since I got here considering it's like 75% of my life now lol. God has placed some reeally amazing people in my life. Most of them probably don't realise it but they have completely turned my world around for the better...I thank God for you guys everyday =)

What else made it good?.. After struggling for sooo long, God took away the one thing that had been holding me down ...something I just couldn't do with my own strength...He helped me let go and replaced it with what I would have never thought possible before =)

God is slowly teaching me what love is really like...He has revealed His grace and yes I have seen it in "high definition". I am a completely different person because of Him. When I think about my relationship with God now and I try and compare it to how it was before...I realise just how messed up it was. I do however know that I still have a long way to go.

I used to love this song:

Coldplay-The scientist
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

I loved the song because I could relate to every single word of it. Regret. Wanting to change the past. Hanging on with everything i had. I was listening to it the other day and I realised that I can now listen to that song without feeling anything. I don't wish to go back to the start anymore, I want to live my life now. It's still an awesome song...but I realised it doesn't mess with my head anymore which just shows how far I have come =) I think I have yet to reach a stage where I can look back and laugh... even though I tend to laugh at most things.

hrmm...If i had to summarise my whole year with a song..there would be many I could choose from but this is the song that would most accurately reflect my life right now:

"Up And Up" - Relient K

Yesterday
Is not quite what it could've been
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today
With every breath I'm breathing in
I'll be trying to make it so much more

Cause it seems I get so hung up on
The history of what's gone wrong
That the hope of a new day
Is sometimes hard to see
And I'm finally catching onto it
Yeah the past is just to con you in
And the life there at the end is
Where I'll be

Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
I know I'm capable of
And I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you
A better version of me
For you

Now I have
all that I could ever need
The condfidence of knowing there's still time
Time to make a mends
and try to build a better me
And to take the right steps as this road unwinds

You see I'm finally catching onto it
Yeah the past is just to con you in
And the life there at the end
Is where I'll be


Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
I know I'm capable of
And I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you
A better version of me
For you

You never cease
To supply me with
What I need
For a good life
So when I'm down
I'll hold my head up high
Cause you're the reason why

I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
I know I am capable of
And I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you

So there you have it...the story of my life (well...12 months of it anyway)
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Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I realised I haven't blogged in while. Actually to be honest...sometimes I'll start a post and then decide I can't be bothered blogging anymore. As a result, I have like..10 half-done posts that have been automatically saved. I always get a bit of a shock when someone comes up to me and tells me they've been reading my blog...but I'm beginning to realise, more people read this than I originally thought. It's funny coz most of the time I completely forget that other people are actually going to be reading this so I'm sorry if i bore you with my constant rants but i'm glad i can be a form entertainment when you really have nothing better to do. It's kinda strange when I have no idea who actually is reading this lol.

So i just came back from UNSW....enemy territory :p I actually haven't been there for quite a while and with allll those stairs I'm extremely glad I dont go to that uni. So my main purpose was to meet up with chris and rob to prepare for tomorrow night's lifegroup but i ended up bumping into clarise, tiff and roger as well =) (As great as Sydney Uni is, my only complaint would be the fact that I never get to bump into so many church people at one spot) Rob and I then went to meet up with Hendy and my intended 5-minute hi/bye turned out to be more like an hour and next thing I knew..I found myself at East Gardens :p So much for study day...

So aaanyway...I was actually going to blog about the Passion conference on Tuesday night. I have a confession to make. I dont think I originally went for the right reasons. I didn't really go with a very expectant heart. I have been to these kinda meetings/conferences/concert things before and it just didn't seem like it was going to be any different...everyone is just going to get really hyped up by the end of it but it will all have faded by the next day. What made me go was the pure fact that CHRIS TOMLIN (and David Crowder) was going to be there.

Once worship started, I think God began to change my mind set. I was reminded of just how AWESOME it is to worship God alongside thousands of other believers. It is truly such a privilege when I think about it and it does make me think..."this is just a glimpse of what heaven will be like"

I have to admit...by the end of the night I think I had eyeliner running all down my face. When I think about it...the best parts of the night had nothing to do with Chris Tomlin at all. Yes he is an amazing worship leader, yes he can sing and yes he can write great music (some may argue otherwise) but he is just a human being afterall. On 4 seperate occasions I cried tonight (I told you I was emo):

• The first time I teared up was right at the beginning of Louis Giglio's talk when he was talking about the whole idea behind Passion. So basically, for the past few months Louis Giglio and Chris Tomlin have been travelling right around the world to 17 cities, holding these conferences and uniting christian uni students together as one body of Christ. Each city prays for the next and each city gives for the next! How cool is that! Yeah ok..so this is what made me tear up: You see...the city they were at before Sydney was Hong Kong. Louis shared about how a lot of the chinese people went to this conference in Hong Kong having never experienced what it's like to worship God like this. He shared about how excited they were, how excited they were that they could give to Passion-Sydney and the way they have been praying and praying for sydney since their own conference. The most amazing feeling of joy hit me when I heard that. When you have been praying for China, when you have been there and seen people come to Christ, when you have seen how hard it is to be a christian in that country, when you have seen how much China needs God...to hear their experience of worshipping God in freedom for the very first time, to hear that they gave so that we could have our conference in Sydney, to hear that they have been praying for us just totally overwhelmed me. For these past few months, China has held a special place in my heart =)
• Ok so the second time i teared up (ok..i think this time it was definitely more like crying) was when Louis was reading from the diary of that girl. It was so touching to see the way God completely changed this girl's life within a matter of 2 weeks..from being completely anti-christian and living that sadly...very stereo-typical, stuffed up uni life into a girl who finally found her faith in God......and then to have her life taken from her in a car accident just a few months after. I was completely speechless when we were told the shocking ending. It just seemed like she still had so much life ahead of her for God to use but God's timing is perfect isn't it? It's true that in the very short time she knew God she probably touched more lives that my whole life being a christian and even though she may not be physically on this earth anymore, her story continues to touch lives everywhere...thanks to Louis.
• This is going to sound really strange, but the third time i cried was just out of joy when I could see with my own eyes the way God had touched people that night. During the night we had the opportunity to pray in groups of 3 with the people around us. Because we couldn't be evenly split into groups of 3 I prayed with 2 people on the other side of me that I didn't know. One of the ladies had prayed before so I figured she was either a non christian or a new christian. I could see tears running down the side of her face throughout the night...I could see she was very touched by the message. She was with a friend who seemed to be a very devoted Christian. I just pray that the seeds sown that night will continue to grow. To see everyone just so caught up in worship...it truly was amazing.
• The message of grace was what made me cry the most and it has all year. The biggest 'thing' that has reeeallyyy hit me this year...is the gift of grace. It's something that I have been trying to get my head around alll this time. There are still times where I say to God.."but you don't understand...I have done this...and i have done that...I'm so far from being the person you want me to be..." yet God's grace upon my life is the reason why I am who I am today. Without God's grace, Iwould be 10 times worse than where I was not very long ago. I can't explain it...but God's grace has changed my life and it truly is amazing. This song really does make me cry:

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine
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Sunday, October 12, 2008

It was Carina's 21st last night and we definitely made it a night to remember. Lessons i learnt from last night:
1. I should never listen to what my brother tells me to do
2. Do not act on spontaneity
3. I should consider more seriously the consequences of my actions
4. That cadbury song LIES...the world would not be nice if it was Cadbury

So the theme was food..and let's just say...my brother and i kinda..'over-embraced' the theme. Being Barny and all..with his typical whacky ideas..he decides it would be an awesome idea that we should go as Cadbury chocolate. So dress in brown, a bit of body paint, some foil and purple wrapping-sounds like an awesome idea..the only problem is..he forgot to mention one tiny, little detail: So there we are driving to the party and planning to do the body paint and all that stuff when we reach there..and barny's like: "Did i mention that the body paint is actually real chocolate?" Big mistake.

(what's with the weird squiggles around his nose? my camera must have gone a bit whacked) anyway...the second we started applying chocolate to skin it was INSTANT REGRET. You see...in all our excitement we kinda forgot about one little problem: "the STICKINESS FACTOR" eeeewwwww it was soooo grossssss!! Barny- "I am so glad I am asian and I dont have hairy arms or it would seriously be like waxing!" I literally stuck to everything and everyone on the night..i even stuck to myself! I had to make sure i stayed at least a meter distance from people. When i sat down..without really thinking about it coz it's just habit..i crossed my legs. BIG MISTAKE.

Seriously..if i ever..EVER consider doing anything like that again..can someone please do me a favour and IMMEDIATELY talk some sense into me. I don't think straight sometimes. Anyway..here's a piece of advice: NEVER use chocolate as body paint. It's great for eating..but nothing else. So here are some of the very few photos i took on the night:
eeewww grosss!! the ends of my hair were like stuck together by chocolate and my hair was stuck to my chocolate-covered arms.


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Thursday, October 9, 2008

I'm trying to avoid study at the moment by blogging. I was going to post a blog a few days ago but decided against it, I was going to blog about last weekend...but i decided against it. ooo!! except i have to mention karaoke last friday!

So last Friday my uni friends and I finally decided to go karaoke after months of just talking about it during our breaks. hahaha i LOVE karaoke. You can tease me alll you like. Wouldn't you agree that karaoke is THE only time you can sing in public all those 'old' 90's pop music that you secretly like deep down without getting bashed? So out came all those classic karaoke songs that could pretty much define karaoke: backstreet boys, spice girls, S club 7, Celine dion, Mariah Carey and all those lovey dovey power ballads. Singing makes me haaappyyy =) (i shall add photos when I can be bothered)

Anyway...over the past few days I've been following the story of King Solomon as part of my morning QTs. To be honest, after QT this morning, discouragement was the intial feeling that came to me which is quite the opposite to how i usually feel after. You don't have to know the bible back the front and inside out to know that King Solomon was the wisest man to have ever lived and is to be the wisest man who will ever live on this Earth. King Solomon asked God for wisdom and God gave it to him in the bucket loads but despite all this, King Solomon stuffed up big time. Sure..for the most part he was extremely successful and greatly favoured in everyone's eyes but by the end of his life, Solomon had messed up everything...and this is what troubled me. If Solomon was supposed to be THE wisest person to have ever walked the earth yet he still made such terrible mistakes in life..what hope do I have? I have made some pretty bad decisions in the past and I try and convince myself that as a result I am now a wiser person and as I grow older I will continue to grow in wisdom and hopefully I won't fall into the trap of making stupid decisions again. I guess after reading about Solomon, reality has started to creep in. As I was walking from the station to uni today I guess God gave me a reality check...it didn't make me feel very good but I needed it. I so desperately need a Saviour. It doesn't matter how wise i think i am...I'm going to stuff up big time if i walk away. I have so many big decisions to make at the moment and I know there are going to be even bigger decisions I'll have to eventually face and I so desperately need God to direct me because if the wisest man to have ever walked can't make the correct decisions...what hope do i have?
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