Monday, October 27, 2008
(hrmm..This is probably going to be one of the most personal posts I have done)
So it's that time of the year again. The time of the year that everybody dreads- exam period. So there's this saying at Sydney uni that goes something like..."if you havent started studying by the time the jacaranda tree has blossomed then it's too late" The jacaranda tree is in full bloom now and it stresses me out when ever i have to walk past it. I think i'm on track however...so if everything goes to plan it SHOULD be all good. It's difficult to concentrate on studying when you know you have the whole of next week to study.
I have to say though...I'm not complaining about first year exams. It's middle of HSC here in sydney and VCE exams are about to start in a couple of days and it's hard to believe that was me just a year ago. I think my nerd factor has decreased quite significantly since then. I remember exactly one year ago I was full on stressing about english..I think I went into panic mode. I can't tell you how happy I feel knowing I'll never have to do a 3 hour english exam ever again.
It's hard to believe that in one year so many things can change. 12 months ago I was so uncertain about 2008. I remember thinking about it a lot... I knew 2008 would be a year of change but never did I think change would be so great, never did I think change would be the one thing I needed to turn my life around.
I arrived in sydney on Feb 14th (yep, I remember coz it was Valentines day) not knowing what God wanted from me and not knowing very many people at all. All i knew was that I was drowning in a lot of regret, I was hanging onto my past and nothing I or others did would make me let go...I needed to be away from Melbourne. You hear people say that you shouldn't run away from your problems, you should face them. I don't believe I was running away from my problems. I had faced them time and time again and all it ever did was make things worse. Sometimes the best way to deal with your problems is to distance yourself so you're not constantly reminded.
When I reflect on the months following that, I realise that for once in a very long time, life hasn't been a rollercoaster. It started off being absolutely terrible but since April it has only got better and better. I think I have found Pris again. People here have only seen this version of me (i'd like to think this is the true me)...the extremely happy me that can smile and laugh at the world. This was Pris 3 years ago and this is Pris now and I hope it stays this way. The person I was in between these years...I barely recognise.
So you ask...what is it about this year that has made it so good? When I think about it...it all goes back to God. He has open doors for me that I would have never ever imagined him opening, He has opened my eyes to soo many possibilities. He has led me to a church that I have come to love so much. After being comfortable at a small church for sooo many years..one where I knew everybody and everybody knew me...going to a new church was hard but when I think about it ....it's probably one of the best things that have happened since I got here considering it's like 75% of my life now lol. God has placed some reeally amazing people in my life. Most of them probably don't realise it but they have completely turned my world around for the better...I thank God for you guys everyday =)
What else made it good?.. After struggling for sooo long, God took away the one thing that had been holding me down ...something I just couldn't do with my own strength...He helped me let go and replaced it with what I would have never thought possible before =)
God is slowly teaching me what love is really like...He has revealed His grace and yes I have seen it in "high definition". I am a completely different person because of Him. When I think about my relationship with God now and I try and compare it to how it was before...I realise just how messed up it was. I do however know that I still have a long way to go.
I used to love this song:
Coldplay-The scientist
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on the science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start I loved the song because I could relate to every single word of it. Regret. Wanting to change the past. Hanging on with everything i had. I was listening to it the other day and I realised that I can now listen to that song without feeling anything. I don't wish to go back to the start anymore, I want to live my life now. It's still an awesome song...but I realised it doesn't mess with my head anymore which just shows how far I have come =) I think I have yet to reach a stage where I can look back and laugh... even though I tend to laugh at most things.
hrmm...If i had to summarise my whole year with a song..there would be many I could choose from but this is the song that would most accurately reflect my life right now:
"Up And Up" - Relient K
Yesterday
Is not quite what it could've been
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today
With every breath I'm breathing in
I'll be trying to make it so much more
Cause it seems I get so hung up on
The history of what's gone wrong
That the hope of a new day
Is sometimes hard to see
And I'm finally catching onto it
Yeah the past is just to con you in
And the life there at the end is
Where I'll be
Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
I know I'm capable of
And I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you
A better version of me
For you
Now I have
all that I could ever need
The condfidence of knowing there's still time
Time to make a mends
and try to build a better me
And to take the right steps as this road unwinds
You see I'm finally catching onto it
Yeah the past is just to con you in
And the life there at the end
Is where I'll be
Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
I know I'm capable of
And I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you
A better version of me
For you
You never cease
To supply me with
What I need
For a good life
So when I'm down
I'll hold my head up high
Cause you're the reason why
I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
I know I am capable of
And I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For youSo there you have it...the story of my life (well...12 months of it anyway)
posted @ 7:49 PM
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