Saturday, June 19, 2010
I'm back after 5 days in Bathurst and I think I must have discovered the inner country girl in me! I loved it so much and I'm rather sad that I'm back in the city actually. It was only 5 days but I believe they must have been the most fruitful 5 days I've had all year.
My 5 days working at the pharmacy there has taught me so incredibly much! I had the opportunity to dispense heaps and heaps of medication from all different types of scripts. I was so confused at first and so worried about making mistakes (because they're so easy to make especially when you're trying to do them fast!) but the pharmacists there were so encouraging and so willing to teach. 1 of the pharmacists is a graduate/intern and the other 2 are in their first year of being registered. It was so exciting to think that they were only a couple of years ahead of me but it also freaked me out when I realised I still have so much to learn in the next year and a half. I managed to see some patients with interesting cases and I was reminded once again of just how terrible it is to be sick. When you're in a lecture theatre learning about illness every single day it's so easy to feel so detached from the reality of these illnesses but when these patients are right in front of you, it all becomes so real. I miss Bathurst...I've been encouraged to think about doing my graduate/intern year there, I guess haven't thought too seriously about it yet but that will definitely be something I shall keep at the back of my mind.
The feeling of loneliness did not hit me once in my 5 days there. What I loved about being by myself in the country was just being able to hear God with no distractions. I knew even the first night I was there that God had brought be there for a reason and now that it's over, I'm certain that God wanted me there for a reason. At the beginning of the year I had prayed that this year I'd grow up and that I wanted this year to be just me and God; to find my identity and joy in Him and Him alone. It was like God brought me to Bathurst to answer that prayer. God gave me this image of a baby bird preparing to fly. It's like I'm that baby bird just about to fly and God is just prepping me for the flight.
5 days there and it was almost like a life test. I realised I could look after myself, I realised I knew how to survive on my own. Everything I had learnt about cooking, cleaning..life skills in general, I had to use it and I discovered that I'm more capable and independant than I thought. I feel like I had known all these 'lifeskills' and had never HAD to use them to look after myself because there was never a need when I was constantly surrounded by people but this was my opportunity to see just how much I knew..and I loved it. I loved living on my own.
Being in the country was like a life detoxification. I was away from all my family and friends, away from the craziness of being in the city and all the drama it brings, away from internet and left with just God and myself. Being there made me realised how out of control my life was back at home. I realised just how many distractions I allow to get a hold of me, how much rubbish fills my life, and how complicated I had made my life become. In the country, with absolutely none of those things, it was like I was in constant fellowship with God and nothing made me feel more satisfied or fulfilled. God refreshed me so much, I feel completely renewed. I've tasted and I want more. It was only 5 days but I feel like I've come back brand new.
posted @ 2:59 AM
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Saturday, June 12, 2010
So many assumptions, so much misunderstanding, so much gossip...the trust disappears, the disunity creeps in and the church starts to crumble.
Growing up I had seen the ugly side of church, I had seen the side that not many people, especially as a child get to see. It's different though when you find yourself caught right in the middle of it. I'd like to think I've grown for the better in many areas of my life over the past couple of years but after so much that has happened/is happening it's so tempting at times to just dig a hole and hide from the world. Despite what I had seen/experienced as a child, I learned to love the church regardless of its flaws. Church became home, it became my support through the toughest of times and provided such an important foundation for my life. This year I think that foundation has really been rocked..
I'm struggling to trust, I'm struggling to be real, I'm struggling to be open these days. I'm beginning to see how easy it is for our hearts to become hardened. I hate feeling like every eye is on me and I fear even more what goes through their minds behind those stares.
God has been challenging me more than ever this season to love my brothers and sisters in Christ; the same people who have formed an image of Pris in their head which is based on preconceived ideas. It's so hard when the trust isn't there. It's so hard when I don't know how to connect with people anymore. God I need you to show me. What's even scarier is that I'd say the majority of people are feeling the same way I feel. Spiritual warfare is real.
God, help keep our eyes fixed on You; the author and perfecter of our faith..
posted @ 4:41 AM
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Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Let it Go- Tenth Avenue North
I've been holding on so tight
Look at these knuckles
They've gone white
I'm fighting for who I wanna be
I'm just trying to find security
But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go.
Well it's hard enough to hear
Harder still, to move beyond this fear
We know there's nothing I can bring,
So tell me what do you want from me?
But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go
What do I love?
What do I hate?
What will I lose?
What will I gain?
How do I save my soul?
What if I bend?
What if I break?
What will it cost?
What will it take?
For you to save my soul.
You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go
I love it when God gives me a fresh reminder that truly there is nothing else on Earth that satisfies the way He does. It's when I get to the point where I think I've seen it all and I start wondering why it's still not enough that God draws me back to Himself, asks me "do you trust me?" and then assures me that He has something even better out there in store for me. He tells me not to search for it because I don't even know what I'm looking for. That's grace right there.
I'm giving up my fight, I'm giving up the desires I've been holding on so tightly to, I'm giving my struggles in trying to search for the right path on my own. If God tells me that He is everything I need then it has to be true. I'm finding nothing else satisfies. The world will tell me that's when I should start feeling insecure but really, the deep, genuine sense security comes when I realise that I am found in Jesus, my Lord and all the things of this world may fail me but I belong to the Lord or Lords.
posted @ 6:06 PM
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Sunday, June 6, 2010
There's something so beautiful about being in the presence of God and never needing to leave it because He live in me. There's something so beautiful about singing out the name of Jesus when life seems otherwise chaotic.
Worshiping our Saviour is the best remedy. I've lost count of the number of times I've just wanted to escape from myself. The number of times I've stuffed things up so bad that I wish I could wake up and realise that it was all a bad dream. In worshipping God I acknowledge how human I am, how full of flaws I am. In worship, we lay down our pride, we take off our 'royal robes' and declare that God is King over our lives. (2 Samuel 6)
I've been pondering on the power of worship in spiritual warfare both in our personal lives and as a corporate body of believers. The Church is constantly under attack from the enemy. The devil is constantly trying to pull apart the Body. There is something so significant, so profound, so powerful about a body of believers worshipping in the midst of spiritual warfare and in doing so, declaring the victory that God has already won for us and sending out such a strong message to the enemy. As a worship leader leading a body of believers into worship places you in the front line of the army.
In my own personal life I've found that singing out His praises in my darkest hour has been the moments where it seemed like God was reaching down in that very moment and being my shield from the flaming arrows of the enemy and this world. I have victory in Christ Jesus and if God is for us then who can be against us?
There's something so beautiful about being lost in the presence of God...That's where I'm at now.
posted @ 4:43 AM
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